ASD is real

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ASD

What is ASD?

Ass-Spreading Disease, or ASD is not something that you would be able to find in medical texts, however, ASD is real. It is interchangable with the terms "freshman fifteen," "couch potato," or "big boned-ness." But what does that really mean?

In the simplest terms, Ass-spreading disease attacks your body by forcing it to expand horizontally, leaving you with a round figure instead of primarily vertical one. Your once long, slender body begins to look like a pear, and eventually into something that resembles "the blob!" The mid-section of your body expands incessantly to resemble that of a “spare tire,” and the end result is never pretty.

ASD, by definition, is not really a disease, but it is termed as one, because the effects of ASD leave the victims powerless to their situation. The creation of the term ASD is really a poor coping skill for weight gain. Instead of addressing the problem some joke about it and as long as the joke is funny, change is difficult. I would give anything to have my pre-college, pre-marriage body back, but the problem is that to lose the thirty pounds that I now say is just "more of me to love," would take a lot of work to get rid of. The only way to rid yourself of ASD is through dedication, more change in your life-style, and a lot of hard work.

What causes ASD?

Although no medical texts exist on the cause of ASD, our observation concludes that it typically occurs in two types of situations. The first breeding ground for ASD is change. As simple as that sounds, when people experience drastic changes in their life, their physical appearance suffers.

College, for example, is a change most commonly experienced by the average 18 year old. Even before stepping foot on a college campus, freshmen have heard of the infamous “freshman fifteen.” For the most part, freshmen are experiencing freedom for the first time in their lives and are balancing a poor diet with supplements of beer. However, some who are less fortunate to dismiss the freshman fifteen after the initial year at college are reluctant to carry the ASD epidemic throughout their entire collegiate career.

Marriage is yet another example of a change leading to ASD. Anyone who has walked down the isle and exchanged vows may be living through these consequences. Before the wedding, women specifically, want the moment to be perfect, and they will do whatever it takes to make their dream come true. This includes practically starving themselves to fit into the perfect dress that they have paid too much for, and coping with the stress as best they can. Once the honeymoon is over, people tend to get comfortable. All the suppressed stress rears its ugly head. Comfort ability sets in, and married women gradually put on a “few” extra pounds.

What is the cure for ASD by Marriage?

Are there other forms of ASD?

The second form of ASD is simply a result of laziness and poor dieting. The harsh truth is that if you remain inactive for a prolonged period of time, you will experience weight gain. Unless of course you are one of the few individuals who have a high enough metabolism to sit around and still look fit and trim. If that is the case, you should be kicked. A day of not exercising turns into a week, a month, a year, and a ultimately a lifestyle of sitting on the couch and eating fast food.

The sad truth is that no one is really safe from the rearing head of ASD. There may be times in life where staying in shape are easier than others, but every time you look in the mirror you may be able to see the symptoms of ASD before it explodes into a full-blown outbreak. Pants may fit a little tighter than the last time you put them on, and no, it's not always your washing machine that makes them shrink, you may notice that the six-pack you prided yourself on is not as defined as you remember it, or you may even notice that you are now wider than the mirror and you have to stand on the opposite side of the room to see your full figure.

Symptoms of ASD

The symptoms of ASD are simply having gained upwards of 30 pounds in a short amount of time. The diagnosis for this can be as simple as realizing it has happened. Most instances of ASD are reported soon after marriage which leads to a general belief that marriage is the primary cause of ASD, however things such as break up with a significant other, divorce, losing your job or failing academically could also all contribute to ASD. ASD is one of the nations leading contributors to heart disease and the sales of bologna sandwiches. ASD is both an economic boon in the sheer amount of food sales that increase, and at the same time a burden on the American people in the health issues that incur from it. If you fear you or a loved one might suffer or be at risk for ASD, there's one simple, fool-proof way to tell:

Check your scales. It's for your health.